Milk cream dog food spinach lemon juice yogurt soup cornbread chicken veggies bananas apples clementines sour cream Windex rice beans
I dictated the above items to my iPhone while begrudgingly heading to Safeway after school today. I have grown to hate grocery shopping. I hate having to handle each item 5 times before I actually get to use it: I put it in the basket, I take it out of the basket, I put it in the car, I take it out of the car, I put it away; it’s maddening.
But the more maddening thing occurred when the sweet young clerk who checked me out handed me a pile of Monopoly tickets, the latest game at the grocery store. I usually blow off these things, thinking I haven’t got the time or the wherewithal, but I accepted them gracefully, shoved them in my coat packet and went on my way to handle my purchases at least three more times.
As I do most weeknights, I had to pick up my husband from the metro. As usual, I have few minutes to spare so I figured I’d spend the time on my phone checking messages, surfing the internet or scanning Facebook. I put my hand into my pocket to find my phone and came upon those damn Monopoly tickets. I decided to see what the fuss was all about and started folding the perforated edges, ripping off the sides and unfolding the little slips of shiny blue paper. I was only able to open a small portion of the pile before my husband opened the door and we headed home.
Most people would move on and find something far more interesting or productive to do, but I arrived home with my curiosity peaked. I found the two other piles of the game pieces I’d stashed in a basket of crap in the kitchen and set to obsessively tear through the rest of them, determined to finish before dinner. My husband took the dogs out for their long evening walk and returned to goad me, asking, “You still at it?” (He thinks what I’m doing is ridiculous.) I attempted to defend my actions but ultimately stopped to have dinner and watch Jeopardy.
So now here I sit in my living room with the alleged Monopoly board out in front of me on the coffee table splitting these tickets open while my fingers turn blue. I sure hope the glossy blue dye they use isn’t toxic. I’ve seen medical dramas about that this kind of thing.
Although I haven’t found the magic big winner piece (yet), I did win a free doughnut and some canned vegetables and more Monopoly game tickets [heavy sigh] and coupons for things like Pirate Booty and Mountain Dew (no thanks) and Snapple (maybe) and tissue and Atkins snack bars (yuck). I haven’t even gotten to the teeny weenie little numbered pieces that I have to match on the game board in order to win $1 million or $10 in grocery cards or a $200 family picnic (that’s a lot of potato salad).
I’m aware that it’s likely after all of this effort I will not win. In fact, I won’t even use the coupons because coupons irritate me. But maybe I will win the big one; someone has to, right? I’ll let you know. Or maybe I’ll be in Tahiti.